Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
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Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Florida man
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
the last thing a carrot sees
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.