[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
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Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith: