dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
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I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly