satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
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Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
it’s finally my moment to shine
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
RT if you could go either way.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.