I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
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[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.