My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
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[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.