[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
mmm onion ringos
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.