[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.