nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
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[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day