MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
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5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”