The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
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If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure