[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
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isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Just a friendly reminder!
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
From my Mom
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
OH. COME. ON.