me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
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At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.