if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
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A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Very good! 👍😂
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.