The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
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People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
some things should go without saying
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
i want to work in this restaurant
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.