I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
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[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.