It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
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I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I am also baked goods
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.