nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely