Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
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I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.