I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
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Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.