Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
You Might Also Like
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
i think we should see other cousins
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.