“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
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Uh oh…
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
me 2 months after i graduated
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?