OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
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I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!