What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
You Might Also Like
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.