I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
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2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.