In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
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Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.