Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
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Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco