Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
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A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉