Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Probably my best painting.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.