[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
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Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
me hooking up with my ex
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Single and childfree like Jesus
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.