Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
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[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.