I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
You Might Also Like
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?