I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
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People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
This made me smile…
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it