So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
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*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks