My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
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Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty