You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
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Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
The news in a nutshell.