Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
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start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
What an awful time to have common sense.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”