Always.
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Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*