[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
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How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine