*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
best review i’ve ever seen
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.