Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
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me working on my assignments ^-^
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.