If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
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I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
When you let grandma cat sit
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.