nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
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I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
A wise man once said nothing.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…