doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
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I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”