i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
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Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”