In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
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What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.