[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
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Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.