My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
That’s incredible! 👌
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
They’re called werewolves.
Who did it better?
opening twitter today