Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
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Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
New tinder profile pic
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
the greatest twitter interaction
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”