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“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many